Do you ever have those days?

Do you ever have those days where you just feel like you can't do anything right? Where you feel like you can't be everything people want/need you to be, like you're letting others down, like there's not enough of you to go around? Those days where you feel so ignorant, so fragile, so out of touch?

I seem to be having more of those days lately. I look at those around me and feel like life is passing me by because I'm sitting back and waiting. What am I waiting for? I've never been one to live life for MYSELF, which is why I sometimes end up feeling over committed and tied to other's schedules, other's moods, etc. I drop what's important to ME at a moment's notice to be there for the people who are important to me, even though it's not "required" or even "asked" of me. Then I feel sad that others don't want to do this for me. I understand it's not fair to "expect" people to treat me the way I treat them. . .. .and I truly don't "blame" these people for living their own lives. . . . .but how do you undo 40 years of programming to put yourself first and not be disappointed when the people you care about aren't on the same level?

I stopped at my dad's house today to take some more pictures for the bank. I needed to check in on things and really start documenting my case for why this house is not going to sell for what the mortgage is on it. It felt really cold and empty. It gave me this very strange, empty feeling. It made me think deeply about my dad and about how now that he's gone so much has changed inside of ME. It seems strange to say that. . . . .but I'm carrying a tremendous amount of guilt around with regards to his passing and being inside that house only reminds me of what I could have done, should have done, while he was still alive. It has me looking inside my own life wondering what else there is to life. It has me missing these conversations that I would have with him.

I've always said there's two ways to deal with things. Either curl up and die, or come out fighting and change yourself, your attitude, whatever is necessary. I've always been inclined to do the second, understanding I am responsible for my own destiny and only I control my own happiness. But lately I feel like I've become the first type of person. . . . .where I'm not sure I have the energy or even the desire to change.

It's interesting that these little battles go on inside everyone, only most people don't talk about them much less put them out there for the world to read. Instead they go buy an expensive car/toy, start dating a younger woman/man, fill their lives with non-stop activities so they don't have to stop and "feel", etc. After all, we're all seeking something better out of life, aren't we? Only some of us have the courage (or stupidity, call it what you will) to put these thoughts out there for the world to see/read.

I have many things to be thankful for. . . . .don't get me wrong. And my life certainly isn't bad by any means. I'm just complex and complicated and every once in a while I stop to take a deep look inside myself. It's at those times I realize I tie a great deal of my OWN happiness to others and I simply don't understand why.

Interesting.