Squirt. . . . ."The long lasting dry lube"

'Nuff said.

Can you identify this Ninja?

Wolf River Rendezvous

What a fun race!  We arrived Friday night a bit later than we had hoped for. . . .got held up in Oshkosh by a 3 car pile up, so that put us about 40 minutes behind schedule.  As we pulled in Bear Paw Friday night, finding our camp site was tough.  We scoped it out, realized with the way the current campers were arranged, there was no way we were backing into our spot. . . . .we dumped the "hotel on wheels" right in the turn around and set up shop.  Perfect.

Saturday's preride was challenging.  One lap took me about 36 minutes and I was hoofin' it pretty good.  I figured I'd be looking at a bit longer of a race come Sunday, but that's ok.  My lungs felt like they were on fire after the preride, my legs were tired and my body wondered how in the HELL I was going to get 3 good laps Sunday.  But my mind wanted to go do another lap and focus on all that technical riding.

I wasn't sure how I felt Sunday, other than tired, but I knew it was a fun course so my plan was to just go ride.  I lined up on the start line with a mere 8 other Brave sport women.  We all had a little chuckle together, realizing we were all guaranteed a "Top 10" if we finished.  What a great attitude these women have!  :-)

Don said "GOOOOOOOOOOO" and I knew I should get up front.  Climbing is my "thing" and I needed to be up front on that start hill.  I also knew this course was built for me. . . .lots of slippery rocks and roots, lots of climbing. . . all my strong points.  If I could keep myself up front and working HARD, I knew I would do pretty good.

We started catching the Sport boys before we even hit the first section of single track.  They are always so nice to us. . . . .cheering us on, moving over, telling us what position we are in, making room for us when they know we can make a climb they can't.  This is one of the reasons I LOVE Sport.  And this race wasn't any different.  We hit the first steep little climb in the single track and 3 Sport boys and one Sport girl got off their bikes, not being able to make the climb.  Seeing me coming, they all parted the way for me to poke right up the hill past them. . . .I LOVE those technical climbs.  That put me in second place.  I hoped I could hold it.  I knew the chances of me catching 1st were slim, but I was certainly going to give it my all.

Lap 2 felt good.  It was tiring. . . .my legs were starting to feel all the climbing.  A couple Sport boys went down on roots in front of me, I managed to avoid them.  One by one I passed them and worked my way up.  For the first time in a long time, I got to ride WITH some of the Sport boys.  We seem to be opposites in our strengths. . . . .I'd gain time on them in the technical, climbing sections, they'd gain time on me in the open double track stretches.  Back and forth I went with a few of them.

Lap 3 I was wondering how in the WORLD I was going to finish.  My legs were SOOO fatigued.  My breathing was extremely labored, all that climbing was really wearing on me.  Each single track climb I would have to push a little harder to get myself through it.  I kept telling myself "this is the last time through here".  I knew I could ride every single section on that trail, so making a deal with myself to "walk if needed" was NOT an option.  "Stay on the bike" my mind kept telling me.  "You WILL finish".  And I did.

Since there were only 9 of us, we were pretty spread out.  The gal I usually battle with (Kate) had raced Saturday, so she was a little "compromised" on this course.  I managed to finish in 2nd with a good gap on the 3rd place gal.  My legs hurt so bad when I crossed the finish line I wasn't sure I'd get back to my camper.  It was a wonderful feeling.  Knowing I had once again pushed myself THAT hard and had THAT much fun doing it.  Kind of sick really.  :-)

I'll be signing up for that race again, that's for sure.  And I'll hope for slick conditions next year.  That's the perfect make up for me.  Awesome.

Fall is here

Yes, it appears fall is upon us. The leaves are changing, the weather isn't as "nice", cold, dreary days are upon us. . . . . .nature is slowly shedding it's life preparing to hunker down for a cold winter.

I find that fall is a great time for reflection. I don't always plan it that way. . . .but it seems these cooler dreary days have me thinking about life and what I want out of it.

Recently I've found a wealth of patience I had forgotten I had. It makes me sad to think I had to lose someone close to me to understand how insignificant certain things in life really are, but it makes me very thankful to come to this realization NOW, while I'm still "young", while I still have time to "slow down and enjoy life".

In the months since my dad has passed, I've been building up for a personal journey I feel I need embark on. This personal journey is nothing over the top. . . .it's just simple goal setting, looking at the rest of my life and deciding what makes me happy, what I want more of, and where I want to go.

I'm one of those fortunate people who truly understand I can attain just about anything in life I truly want if I focus, make a plan and give it 100%. The "problem" is that I'm not truly sure what I want to attain in life right now, therefore I seem to be merely "existing". The funny thing is, it seems MOST of the world just simply "exists", going to work, coming home, riding their bike (or doing whatever) for stress relief. . . . .but we're all capable of so much more. And at this point in my life. . . . .I'm ready to work for "more".

Now I just have to figure out what that "more" is. :-)

Lake Geneva

Wow, what a race. That was freakin' hard!

As we lined up, I knew I was going to have to give it my all on that start hill to get a good position going into the single track. I was hoping my legs would cooperate as they were feeling very tired and flat during the warm up. Perhaps too much riding the day before. . . . maybe even too much loading the week before. Who knows. But I figured it was what it was, there wasn't anything I could do about it. I'd just try to ride my best and see what happened.

I tend to be strong on hills. . . .why I'm not really sure because they REALLY hurt, but I dug deep and got up front on the start climb. Went into the single track 2nd or 3rd. It was a good spot to be.

We caught up to the sport boys pretty quickly. . . . we actually caught some right before the dive down into the single track already. I figured that would be a bad course for traffic, but if it was bad for traffic for me, it was bad for everyone. I just hoped I could get a gap and hold on to it.

I got my wish in lap #1. I held my spot, rode relatively clean, although I stepped down that last set of rocks after the rock garden. I don't know WHAT my problem was, but that freaked me out every lap. Oh well, a few seconds lost stepping over something that could propel me into the cheap seats is a good few seconds to lose I guess.

Lap #2 I was still in a good spot heading up the start climb. I was hurting. . . .it was hot, I was sweating profusely, I could already tell I hadn't drank enough. I got yelled at by my easy up of peeps to drink so I tried to force it down on the second lap. Unfortunately, I think it was too late.

Going up the start climb to start lap #3 I could feel my energy drain. I knew I was in for a rough 3rd lap. I just hoped that I had gotten a large enough gap that I could hold my position - or close to it. Every hill felt like death. I was hyperventilating, seeing starts and not sure I'd be able to finish it I was hurting so bad. But somehow I found the strength to keep pushing on. I eased up a bit on purpose. . . .but mostly because I physically HAD to. I heard Sonia breathing down my back so I let her get around me. She had so much energy, there was NO way I was going to match that. Back and forth I went with Mariah. Last time through the rock garden I stepped over the last set of rocks - AGAIN - and Kate flew by. I gave it my all knowing I was nearing the end. I figured if I could make it to the end knowing I had given 100%, I would be happy.

And that's exactly what happened. I ended up 7th overall. Not so bad of a race, but not as good as I was hoping for considering I was in the top 3 or 4 for 2 laps. But I finished and I managed a win in my age group against some tough competition.

I wrestle with how much to put out there so early in the race. . . . . .and I wonder if a bit of conserving would have given me the "extra" I needed yesterday. But after a number of years of racing experience and getting to know my body and my strengths and weaknesses, I believe conserving wouldn't have helped me much. I seem to do the best when I put it all out there right up front. Sometimes I can hold on to that. . . .and sometimes there are just faster girls.

Today I feel like someone took me out to the bike rack and beat me to a pulp. My body hurts tremendously, I can't move my head my neck muscles are so tense and I've had a head ache all day. Mondays are usually not a lot of fun, especially a Monday after a race, but today, well, today takes the cake. Unproductive, low coping skills, lots of "pain". There's no question as to whether I gave my all yesterday or not. I gave it all, and then some. :-)

Epic Road Ride

Well, it was epic for me. I took a trip up to Parnell Tower today.

I took the "scenic route". . . . .knowing it's something my dad would have done if he were still alive. So that one was for you dad. I did on my bicycle instead of in a mini cooper. . . . . .perhaps that will help keep ME around a little longer.

I could only make it up to the first landing before my "vertigo" got the best of me. Too bad as I bet the views from the top were/are spectacular. But I'm sure dad already knows that.

Today was a great day to be alive. :-)

Goals?

"Long-range goals keep you from being frustrated by short-term failures."
-- J.C. Penney, Retailer

Hmmmm. I should probably get some long-range goals again. . . .

Quote

"Age wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul."
-- Douglas MacArthur, General

Interesting.

Reforestation Ramble

I had a great time today. . . . .probably the most fun I've had at a WORS race in a REALLY long time.

Don raced today, so we had a "fill in" to yell GOOOOOO. He gave us the "15 seconds" and then yelled GO without a countdown. I wasn't ready. I was waiting for the countdown. So I didn't have the best start. We hit the flat double track and I took the "crappy line" to try and pass as many gals as I could to get up to where I felt I should be. We turned the corner and settled into the single track. I was breathing pretty hard. Popping out of the single track I decided I'd better race my OWN race since it was going to be longer than usual and I didn't want to pop. So I get the fast girls go and settled in at a comfortable pace on my own.

I rode alone for a little bit, but then picked up another sport gal. . . .then we caught another sport gal and there was a small train of us. That didn't last long as we encountered a number of sport boys in the single track, one who so very nicely tried to move over to give the gal in front of me room to pass. . . . . but the pass wasn't successful as she hit something, went down and suddenly their two bikes were tangled together and she was announcing she thought she "re-broke her collarbone". Since there was nothing WE could do, she told us to go, so the other gal and I hammered on.

Toward the end of the first lap I thought I saw some gals ahead. . . . .sure enough, it was the "fast girls" I let go at the start. I was able to catch up to them and we formed a 5 person train. We rode nearly the whole last lap together and I discovered riding with others who are your speed is amazingly fun. We pushed each other, encouraged each other and really had a good time (I did at least). Passing the sport boys became easier. . . . .they would see the train of the 5 of us coming and move over. Then the elite boys started lapping us. The first set caught us in the single track so the 5 of us stopped together and pulled off the trail to let them by. The second set caught us on the double track, a few others in the single track again. . . . .each time we'd pull over together, managing to stay on each other's wheels.

In the last set of single track before you dumped out on the gravel double track (that ran parallel to the road) a couple other elite boys caught us. I was 4th in the train of 5, so myself and the gal behind me moved over to let them by. Unfortunately the gals ahead of us managed to let them pass without moving over and that was just enough to put the gap between us. We dumped out of that single track and I dropped the hammer. I could see the others, strung out ahead, on the fire road hauling a$$. We all knew we were SO close to the finish, and we knew we needed to give it everything we had.

The good news is "everything I had" managed to hold off the gal behind me, but it wasn't quite enough to catch the gals in front of me. So I finished pretty much right where I ran for most of the race. . . .7th overall. While I'm happy with that finish, I'm MOST happy that I got to ride with some really cool girls today, and I simply had a GOOD time. THAT felt good. After all, that's what racing is all about. :-)

Exciting Tuesday

Today was quite the exciting day. After sorting through a few piles of work this morning I received a call from my Oshkosh peep, Aprilay (that's what we call her) stating she was contemplating ditching work early to do a mountain bike ride at one of our local trails. I had a mountain bike ride on "my plan" anyway. . . . .so we hooked up and headed out.

The sky looked like it was going to dump at any moment, but I figured as long as we didn't get hit by lightening, we'd be ok. It can rain pretty hard before you are soaked deep in the woods. We figured we'd be good to go. So off we went.

The first lap was rather uneventful. It felt very humid, but we kept it under control. I think my bike seat (height and saddle tilt) is finally right. My back was feeling not-so-bad. We stopped back at the truck before heading out on the third lap to stock up on beverages. The clouds seemed to be congregating to the north, so that was good.

Towards the end of lap 2 i had noticed my bike doing some strange things. I dropped my chain a couple times after hearing a little ticking noise. Almost like the chain was going to suck up. . . .but instead it dropped off. After careful examination of the the cassette and rings, everything appeared OK, we made some minor tweaks in shifting and set out on lap 3.

Part way into lap 3 I turned a corner to start a short steep climb putting the power to the pedals only to hear "TINK". Chain broke. Crap. Luckily Aprilay had a quick link so we pulled it out and started working. After a few minutes of trying to figure out what we were doing, running the chain the wrong way through the derailleur, a smack of the pedal to Brittany's shin and a TON of laughter we got the chain back on. Sweet. As I turned to start walking up the hill we were at the bottom of I froze in my tracks and whispered to Aprilay - "look at the trail!"

Ahead on the trail were 2 fawns with their mommy watching our whole escapade go down. They slowly moved closer and closer to us trying to figure out what the heck we were. They probably thought I was road kill I smelled so bad. . . . . .

It was the neatest thing to stand there and watch these creatures. So peaceful and calm. And to think, if I hadn't broken my chain we would have rode right past them and never experienced this wonderful moment.

Sometimes one has to stop and "smell the flowers". You can't go "race pace" all the time in life. . . . .or you're going to miss special things here and there. That's the lesson I learned today. :-)

Happy Memories

I was just spending some time on this rainy morning reflecting on the joy my dad brought to my life while he was alive.

Although we didn't have much of a relationship while I was growing up, I'm quite thankful that we really got to know each other the last few years of his life. It's a little scary how alike we were. :-)

I found this picture this morning. . . . .at my sister's wedding, of the three of us.


I remember just watching him watching everyone else. He was definitely a "fade into the background" type of person. He didn't need the spotlight, didn't LIKE the spotlight actually. He liked to just blend in and observe. As I think about it, I guess I have those traits also. I have the gift of being able to fit into many different situations, mesh with all kinds of people. It's what makes Real Estate so good for me as a career I guess.

It's funny how it seems like the older I get, the more of his personality I seem to take on. I no longer need that center of attention, I no longer feel the need to make everyone laugh or to make everyone like me. I can sit and listen to everything else going on around me. . . . .watch everyone else, without feeling the need to make it all about me.

It really is true how age brings wisdom, peace and acceptance. The older I get, the more I learn about myself, the more comfortable I become with myself, my choices, my life. I believe I can thank my dad for a lot of these characteristics. Thanks Dad. :-)

Life is good.

Thunder

My dog is such a boozer. I have no idea where she gets these habits from. . . . . . maybe the other dogs she hangs out with?

Boarder Battle

After a LONG 5+ hour drive, we finally arrived in River Falls for the Boarder Battle. For a month we had been debating whether to make the trek up to the race or not. A few days prior we decided to go for it. I think we had mixed feelings on whether that was a good idea or not.

Bill had been having stomach issues for a couple days leaving him a bit depleted come Sunday. Stacked behind the MN boys he once again got a poor start having his race end up not being all that he had hoped.

I, on the other hand, had a great time. We woke up Sunday to very humid conditions. I thought i was screwed. My goals for the race were 1) to finish and NOT be carried off to the first aid tent and 2) to not finish last. Good goals considering I could hardly breathe.

I knew that start hill would be a problem. Last year, without a preferred start, I lined up at the back of the pack and had to run part of the hill when girls swerved in front of me and suddenly everyone was walking. I vowed for this to NOT happen this year. I don't walk anymore unless I have absolutely no choice (ie: if someone else takes that choice away from me or if I'm going to DIE). I got to the front of the pack and that's where I stayed for the most part.

(Thanks to Bill Nigh for the picture!)

LOTS of traffic on that course, I think almost more than Crystal Ridge. I spent so much time passing boys, SO many kind boys, many of whom would just pull over for me. While that's not necessary, it's greatly appreciated when you see your competition taking more aggressive passes and riding away from you because you're "kind". After all, Don does say "treat each other kind". I tend to take that to heart.

Despite the amount of traffic, I rode clean and I rode hard. I was quite excited to have Paula Liske pass me in the field on the second lap. I had stayed ahead of her that whole time. I kept her in my sights and somehow managed to keep the gap small, playing cat and mouse with her and one other gal.

Last lap I had the two of them in my sights. I could tell the gal just in front of me was wearing down. . . . .I had more left than she did. There wasn't a good place to get around. I figured if I could keep the gap small, we could sprint it out at the end. Then we hit more traffic. She got around, I did not. I saw her pull away I didn't see how I could catch her again, we were so close to the end. But the boys moved over for me, I put the hammer down and somehow I pulled it out to catch up to her and ride her wheel through the last stretch of single track. We came around the last corner, I saw the open stretch, I stood up and I hammered. I figured what did I have to lose? Either they were going to carry me out because I tried TOO hard or I was going to take her at the end. While I WAS hyperventilating at the end. . . . . .I pulled out the pass and crossed the finish line ahead of her. It felt awesome to have something left to give. And it felt awesome to finish on Paula's tail knowing how fast SHE is.

Great race, great times, great course, great fun. Another top 10 finish, second WI woman to finish. I'll take that. :-)

HOT, HOT, HOT

Heat and humidity has never been good to me. . . . . .really, it's humidity that KILLS me. Today proved that theory right once again. This morning we hopped in the "old four-wheel drive sleigh" and headed on up to Sumiaco to ride. Lap #1 I swear I had already lost about a gallon of water in sweat. . . . .I thought I was drinking enough, but apparently throughout the course of my ride, this was not the case.

Lap #2 I went our harder on April's wheel trying to find/ride the WORS course. Lots of double track, so of course we rode that harder trying to GET to the single track. I spiked my heart rate, suddenly had great difficulty breathing and started feeling puky and extremely dizzy. I told April to go ahead. . . . I'd finish out on my own. I took it down a notch, but still felt very dizzy and suddenly my stomach was starting to hurt. A couple wrong turns, some back tracking, a cliff bar and some cliff shots later and I was finally back to the parking lot. Stomach was feeling a bit sour, but I didn't feel as dizzy, so I filled the water bottles and set out with a few peeps for a little more riding.

I led it out so the pace would be slow (I wanted/needed slow), but by the time I hit the single track I was already starting to feel nauseous again. I rode it out a bit, then decided to head it back in as I just felt zapped.

Back at the "fort", I could hardly get my sweaty gear off. I thought i was going to collapse, my stomach hurt like it hasn't hurt in a REALLLLY long time, and drinking anything added to my complete feeling that I was going to puke. I hate it when that happens.

A few hours later and my stomach is finally starting to return to normal. Even though I ate and drank throughout the afternoon, a quick step on the scale shows I lost at least 4 pounds riding today and of course my body fat was higher than normal. I guess my thought that I had drank enough was truly not the case. Classic dehydration. Rookie mistake I guess. When one sees THAT much sweat POURING off their body, there just can't be a good outcome.

At least I no longer need to curl into a little ball. . . . . .although I just had to stop typing because I had an extreme hamstring cramp. . . . . .crap. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.

Oh well. No one is perfect. Not even me. :-)

Crystal Ridge

Lined up at the start not feeling so good. Figured I'd go for a hard ride and see what happened. Don yelled go and I put the hammer down. Thankfully putting myself into the red zone off the start is one of my strengths. I managed to get a good start going into the single track around 3rd or 4th. Unfortunately we encountered a LOT of traffic right away, so the lead I worked on off the start was blown.

I rode at an easy pace through the single track, dropped the hammer and tried to pass when I could. One boy at a time. Understanding exactly how those boys feel, the last thing I wanted to do was compromise their race. We're all out there to have fun. . . . .I'm in SPORT for crying out loud. I'm not getting paid for this, nor am I breaking any records. Sit and wait for a place to pass. . . .hope to not lose all the gap I earned. . . . hope to not lose the lead girls TOO badly.

I heard a couple gals behind me who usually are in front of me. We decided to work together to get around some of the boys and pull each other. It was fun to actually get to ride with others. . . .usually I'm pushing myself to my limits without help. We rode most of the first lap together, and a good part of the second lap together. These girls pushed me a little harder than I'm comfortable with in the single track which was awesome. It was fun to work together and ride beyond my limits. BUT, it caught up with me come the second switch back ski hill climb. I tried to stay on their wheels, but knew I needed to budget. We all reached the top relatively close together, but I started to fall back a bit as I tried to catch my breath. I yelled for them to go. . . .they kept cheering me on. . . . I knew I was toast. I'd lost a few more spots, but would still scrape a top 10 out.

On the way down the ski hill one of the girls hit some loose stuff and went down. I called out as I rode past her, she said go, she was fine. I knew I was close to the top 5. . . . .could I pull a strong finish out on that last climb?

The answer to that question was NO. She caught back up to me and passed me just before the climb, along with another one of my fellow sport gals. I tried my best, but had used it up and simply had nothing to answer them with. One was in my age class. . . . she took 1st in age. I'm happy for her finish, but wished I could have had a little more to answer her challenge with. Perhaps next time.

Overall, I'm relatively happy with my finish. Sure, I lost 3 spots in the last 2 minutes of the race, but I rode clean (except for that one stupid tree), I rode with some other "fast chicks", and I pushed myself when I needed to push. Top 10 is always a great place to finish. . . . especially when you know you're not where you'd like to be fitness wise. It's all good. One day at a time. :-)

Thanks for the race girls! It was actually a good time. I wish I would have seen Spicy. . . . .but that girl is too freakin' fast for me. I hate that. :-)

Birthday Shout Out

Happy Birthday Becky!!

Something to remember

"No matter how bad someone has it, there are others who have it worse. Remembering that makes life a lot easier and allows you to take pleasure in the blessings you have been given."

~ Lou Holtz

Unbelieveable

I cannot believe the stupidity of so many drivers in today's world. Is it just that everyone is in such a hurry? Or is it because they hate cyclists so much? Or are people just too busy texting to notice a cyclist with the right of way in front of them?

In the past week someone has backed into one of my friends (thankfully going slowly, but causing some damage to her bike), another friend was taken out by a car resulting in several broken ribs, broken hip, torn aorta, multiple lacerations and surgery required, and I witnessed a car BARELY stop short of running over a youth riding his bike across the cross walk when he had the walk signal.

Un-freaking-believeable.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery to our friend Michael. He's down at Froedert for the time being. . . .had surgery to put a rod in his leg last night and patch him up. I'm told the driver was issued a citation. . . . .but that hardly seems like enough as Michael will be sitting in the hospital for a while.

Pay attention people. Seriously. How long does it take to take a second look? You could just save some one's life.

"Success comes from taking the hand you were dealt and using it to the very best of your ability".

~ Ty Boyd

My doctor reminded me of the fact that so much of our life is thanks to our genetics. He said it really sucks that one person has to work so much harder at something than the next person, simply because their parents passed on "good genes" to them. I can tell you first hand, yes, it does suck and it's unfair. But then life isn't really "fair" is it? :-)

"Genes" are the reason we're monitoring my future closely as well. Better safe than sorry. . . . .and better to pay attention to the "small signs" than think you're not at risk at all. So far, so good, now that "middle age" is creeping up on me.

Do you ever have those days?

Do you ever have those days where you just feel like you can't do anything right? Where you feel like you can't be everything people want/need you to be, like you're letting others down, like there's not enough of you to go around? Those days where you feel so ignorant, so fragile, so out of touch?

I seem to be having more of those days lately. I look at those around me and feel like life is passing me by because I'm sitting back and waiting. What am I waiting for? I've never been one to live life for MYSELF, which is why I sometimes end up feeling over committed and tied to other's schedules, other's moods, etc. I drop what's important to ME at a moment's notice to be there for the people who are important to me, even though it's not "required" or even "asked" of me. Then I feel sad that others don't want to do this for me. I understand it's not fair to "expect" people to treat me the way I treat them. . .. .and I truly don't "blame" these people for living their own lives. . . . .but how do you undo 40 years of programming to put yourself first and not be disappointed when the people you care about aren't on the same level?

I stopped at my dad's house today to take some more pictures for the bank. I needed to check in on things and really start documenting my case for why this house is not going to sell for what the mortgage is on it. It felt really cold and empty. It gave me this very strange, empty feeling. It made me think deeply about my dad and about how now that he's gone so much has changed inside of ME. It seems strange to say that. . . . .but I'm carrying a tremendous amount of guilt around with regards to his passing and being inside that house only reminds me of what I could have done, should have done, while he was still alive. It has me looking inside my own life wondering what else there is to life. It has me missing these conversations that I would have with him.

I've always said there's two ways to deal with things. Either curl up and die, or come out fighting and change yourself, your attitude, whatever is necessary. I've always been inclined to do the second, understanding I am responsible for my own destiny and only I control my own happiness. But lately I feel like I've become the first type of person. . . . .where I'm not sure I have the energy or even the desire to change.

It's interesting that these little battles go on inside everyone, only most people don't talk about them much less put them out there for the world to read. Instead they go buy an expensive car/toy, start dating a younger woman/man, fill their lives with non-stop activities so they don't have to stop and "feel", etc. After all, we're all seeking something better out of life, aren't we? Only some of us have the courage (or stupidity, call it what you will) to put these thoughts out there for the world to see/read.

I have many things to be thankful for. . . . .don't get me wrong. And my life certainly isn't bad by any means. I'm just complex and complicated and every once in a while I stop to take a deep look inside myself. It's at those times I realize I tie a great deal of my OWN happiness to others and I simply don't understand why.

Interesting.