Missing you dad.

This is the last picture that I have of my dad alive.  Makes me wish I would have spent a little more time focusing on him that day (Easter 2009).

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of his death.  Since most of the people I would have enjoyed the company of on this emotionally difficult day were working or busy. . . .I decided to embark on my own little journey for the day, get in touch with my feelings, remember the good times, etc.

So I packed my bike up and headed out to ride (of course).

This past year has brought a lot of different things to my life.  Some good, some bad. . . . it's brought a lot of wonderful friends to the surface, and it's forced me to take a deeper look at my life and what it's missing. 

I'm one of those people who look at the closed door for so long I miss out on the open window.  I don't do it because i can't stand change. . . . . .I think I do it because i'm usually SO attached to that closed door that I can't even SEE the open window.  I don't like that part of myself. 

Many people in this world just shut everyone out.  Then they don't have to worry about closed doors.  I don't want to be like that. . . . . .but I feel like that's who I am becoming.  Strange how little things affect us so much.  How great loss can upset our whole "emotional balance". . . . have us wondering if certain things are really worth it.

I went to find peace and inspiration yesterday.  Instead I found confusion and more questions.  Questions to life. . . .questions there aren't really answers for.  Confusion as to why I do the things I do. . . .why I am who I am. . . .why I can't be who I "WANT" to be ALL the time.

I guess a day of reflection does that to a person.  :-)

Thinking about my dad today puts a smile on my face.  It still puts tears in my eyes because I truly miss him. . . . .but I know he's in a better place.  I will continue to strive and ltry to ook past the closed door. . . . .and find the open window.  It's exactly what he would want, and it's what I need to do for him. . . .for me. . . . .and for those who love me.

Peace.

North Carolina

One more trip to North Carolina under my belt.  This year was a year without Bill, a year without group rides and a different year all around.

8 people braved the trip, and while we all stayed in the same house, we all did our own thing.  That ended up being good for me becuase that meant people actually rode with me.  It also meant our group of 4 had a lot of fun, lots of laughs, lots of exploring.

This past year of my life has been very different for me.  Not having my dad has had me feeling a bit lost, especially during those times where I really need someone to talk to. 

Changes in the real estate market have had my business doing it's ups and downs, while the last few months have had me working very hard for what will hopefully be fruitful months to come.

Changes in my personal life have been on-going. . . . .things that were once very important to me seem to need re-evaluating with respect to importance now.  My life is built around others, I am on this earth to give to others, to enhance other's lives, to put other people ahead of myself.  This is how I've been for 40 years.  And over these past 40 years that train of thought has led to a lot of heart ache.  Maybe it's time to change that way of thinking?  Maybe my life should be a little more about ME and a little less about others.  I probaly care TOO much anyway.

2010 will be a life changing year, that's for sure.  I just have to figure out how to make that life change a GOOD change for myself. 

One day at a time.